I do not feel as I expected to feel. I am a person that gets really worked up about things as simple as dinner plans. I love to “go and do” and be a part of the action. This time, though, I feel like I am the action- and I am not so sure that I am enjoying this sensation. Nerves are getting the better of me and I feel myself going into shut-down mode. This is somewhere I have never been, and an experience I am no longer certain is for me. But, I know for sure that the gift that will be placed in my arms in just a few short hours will be worth every push, twinge and grimace- now and for the rest of his life.

Nine months of carrying this little boy have been the most life-changing thing I have ever gone through. Kaleb and I have spent a lot of time reflecting on this pregnancy lately. We have thought about the initial reticence when we found out we were pregnant- not that we weren’t trying, we just thought we had a little more time to get used to the idea. How that reticence has changed to acceptance and then to uncontrollable excitement and nervous anticipation in the last weeks is truly one of the miracles God has worked in both our lives. This baby has been loved since the moment we knew we were going to have him, but only recently has that love overtaken the uncertainty we initially felt.

Our pastor recently said in a sermon that “the only thing worse than waiting is wishing that you had.” Those words have new meaning for me. Kaleb and I waited seven and a half years before deciding to start a family- and I am so grateful that we did. The assurance that I have, not only in our marriage, but in our readiness to be parents, is unmatched by any other assurance in my earthly life.

We are about to leave our house as a couple- and come home a family. I know millions have gone through this, but I feel like I am the first person ever to experience this. I am about to go meet my son. My number one son. What an amazing feeling.

Even if I do feel like I am going to puke.